the achiness in his voice,
the way he moans and breathes,
it's heavy,
it's all so heavy

I feel like I'm giving so much of myself to people that literally don't think twice about me.

I'm losing little pieces of me, I can honesty feel it.

And the sad part is, I knowingly let it happen.

​I don't know why.

I gave you a lighter once.

​I hope you still use it.

when you're passionate about so many things,
and feel so deeply

and you have so many ideas,
some good, some bad,
a few gems

​there are things you want to do,
things you want to make

things that could mean something to someone,
things that mean something to you

it's hard when those ideas don't exist,
they're just thoughts, really

and it'd be so difficult to make those ideas, 
real

i just want to make those ideas real

I keep feeling like my life will change drastically soon.
​Not sure why.

​Watch, it won't.

I walked down the store aisles.

I saw you with your parents.

It was so strange to me.
​
I never stopped to think that you might actually have a family.

It almost felt real this time, like we weren't acting.

You said I wasn't what you were looking for.
I was in a rut that I thought would last forever.
Then a day passed,
​and I forgot about you.

I think about how boring everyone must think I am.
If they only knew half the shit I get myself into.

make you feel something

I've been wanting this pair of shoes for a while now.

They're 1½ inch thick black platforms.

I imagine wearing them and being just a little bit taller than you.

We were in Lake Tahoe over the summer. Grandma needed to finish The Bachelorette, even if we were on vacation. Josh proposed to Andi and Grandpa called him a fag.

I've met my grandpa dozens of times and I love him even more each time.

You told me you wanted to join the army. You decided two days ago when you "felt bored" and your younger sister applying to college made you realize you're behind in school. I said wow, that's a huge decision and wished you the best of luck.

I asked what compelled you. You said it was a great opportunity and since you're fed up with your parents and in debt, a change could be good.

You asked me what I thought. I told you lies about how that actually might be a good idea.

I did wonder what you'd do with all of your passions and your love for the city. Virginia is not the same as California and things might be a little harder for you. 

But what I didn't tell you was that some selfish part of me actually wants you to stay because we barely got to know each other. You were right, I did play games and I wasn't serious. I just thought we had more time.

Things are different now, nothing's serious and everything surface. All you do is joke around and it's sometimes funny, but mostly sad and all you do is laugh, but I know you really want to cry.

And it's okay. Just know, there's no crying in the army.

I've blown you off twice now.
I really don't know why.
It seems like this is easy for you.
Just know, it's actually very hard for me.
But here's something I haven't told you,
I can't stop thinking about you.
I've blown you off twice now,
but I don't think I'll let it get to three.

When I'm with her, I lose track of time.

It's almost as if every moment of her life, she's having fun.
​I wish I was like that. I wish I was more like her.

She cares about so many things. She's passionate.
But she spreads herself thin.
Sometimes I notice she's not always there with me.

She helps me though.

Her playfulness distracts me.
She takes me to places I would never think of going.

She likes me, I think.
But she probably likes the idea of me liking her even more.

She'd love that I'm writing about her.

When I take her picture, she smiles.
The thing with her is, when she smiles, I really think she means it.

She's very careful. She comes in and out of my life without leaving a trace.
But sometimes she's messy and she leaves something with me.
​It's either a giggle or a grin or just the essence of a girl who always has fun.

I say it's your turn to ask me something. You ask, "If we were both at a party, and we didn't know each other yet, and you saw me on the other side of the room, and I saw you, and we looked at each other for a moment, like really looked at each other... would you approach me or would you wait to see if I approached you?" ​I say, "I'd probably never approach you, but if you came up to me, I'd say something first."

I hear from you now and then, less now than before. Sometimes I think it's because I didn't respond fast enough when you told me your mom was dead. I'm sorry things didn't work out with your dad. I wish I knew more. I wish you told me more. Now, when you tell me things, its meaningless stuff. It's filler. You used to talk without even thinking, about good things, real things. But now, it comes and goes, this thing we have.

The truth is, you scare me. But it's not your fault. I think more than anything, the idea of you scares me, the idea of you and me, the idea of us. You're too smart for me, I think sometimes. You're too evolved, too mature. I'm not there yet. Maybe I make up too many excuses as to why this won't work. It's probably because I know I can't keep a good thing.

I look back to the beginning days, the first conversations, the first time I saw who you really were. Since I've passed that point of asking you about yourself, I find myself just really wanting to know the simplest of things... What's your favorite color? Where did you grow up? What's the name of the first boy you've kissed? Have you ever kissed a girl? What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Why do you hate me? Oh wait.

that song came on today and i had a breakdown in the 99¢ store

i can't wait for that day to come.
i've been thinking about it for some time now.
i imagine we're driving, somewhere scenic, of course.
i'm right where i want to be. you too, i think.
everything's alright.

i tell you everything.

I look at you.
You can't see me.
You could, but you never would.

You look in my direction, right through me.
It's like nothing.

I roll my eyes and watch you leave.
I'm annoyed and you didn't even do anything wrong.

Whatever, I think to myself.
Fuck you.

I keep imagining that it's you. This time, it's you. I think about all the possibilities and I get myself excited. We could go here, we could go there, we could have fun.

I keep listening to these songs. Hoping one day they will have more meaning because I listen to them with you.

You, you, you, or you.

I keep going to these places, hoping that you'll be there, but you're not.

I imagine it freezing out, we stand under purple light and look down at our feet. You step closer. I try to hide my nervousness. I think to myself, this could really be something.

But you're not there and it's all in my head. I'm a wreck and you don't even know I exist.  

One day you'll be there, I can feel it. Then I'll be the one smiling. 
​
You, you, you, or you.

will any of this amount to anything?